The age I feel

"When you're a kid, being grown-up seems so easy. Nobody tells you it's harder than it looks. That those feelings that you have; that you don't measure up, that you're not keeping pace. They never go away. What do you do when you feel like you're the only kid in a room full of adults? Well, the only thing you can do; you smile, you step up and you try your best to fit in."

This little blurb by actress Erin Karpluk as Erica Strange is from an old episode of Being Erica (props and a cookie to anyone who knows the episode by the way) and its something I've been thinking about lately. This is especially true with things bouncing around again in my social life.In my case though, I get to feeling the opposite as well sometimes.

I'd love to say I'm getting used to these feelings but I still take a slight pause every time it happens. Sure, I'm fine fitting in a parents' group swapping horror stories or out with friends playing intense games of Super Street Fighter 4. But eventually, we get to talking about interests or other experiences and I end up either feeling like I should be at the kids' table or like I'm rattling on like a boring old man.

I guess it has to do with having to do deal with the responsibility of raising a child for a great deal of my 20s while still trying to explore and have fun like those of my age. I'm finding it really hard to completely fit in sometimes because I don't smoke pot or go drinking every weekend. Or that I'm not thinking about compound interest rates or 5-year plans. I feel like I'm not keeping up with either side.

And not fitting in means I don't see some of my friends for maybe long periods of time. I think sometimes that people from both sides feel like they have to exclude me from some events and gatherings because I usually hear about them afterward. Each side thinking I'm at some different place in my life than they are and with it, a different mindset.

And as I thought about that blurb again and how it related to me, I watched the episode again and skipped to the end where Erin's character came to her resolution:

"There comes a point where you realize. Truth is this: being grown-up is simply knowing who you are and having the courage to be that person. Warts and all."

Having the courage these days has been easier. I just hate when it waivers...