The waters I dare tread

Some while ago already, I was watching my daughter making attempts to draw on a drawing tablet she had gotten for her birthday. In her struggles and joys with some scribbles and splashes of colour, I was reminded of similar things I had done in my youth. Those same thoughts I had put away in favour of my search for acceptance and understanding of the world felt so familiar yet so far away.

At first, it was scribbles of my own from the curiosity of playing said drawing later that night. I don't know why but in that exercise of nonsense, I somehow felt a calmness I forgot I missed. It was like each new line I threw into the chaos of my canvas was another line pulled away from the chaos of my own mind. I didn't spend too much time at this but for that short time, I felt some clarity.

There was something that stayed with me from that single act, however. I started to notice more of those creative processes in others. My girlfriend making art for her various reason, that guy on the street inscribing a quote with some chalk, that random Twitch streamer I saw sketching for the viewers and others since. Each time, as I looked into at the changing expressions in their faces, the same thoughts ran through my mind:

What are these people feeling right now?

Do they feel that same calmness that I did?

Or do they feel yet other things I can find if I keep going?

And so, I've been slowly sailing the turbulent seas of my mind, trying to pull aboard what I can find in that darkness I have ignored for so long. So I write, scribble, watch, cook, read, play, listen, edit, set up, research and eat. Anything to catch some glimpse of things I feel I'm missing because I keep feeling like its just out of reach.